Closure in a massivly huge way!!

So I just left the last home Don and I lived in, I am joyous and relieved.  It will be 4 years Sept 18, and every time I went back to the old house, I just saw broken old sad memories. So much money mismanagement, bills on shutoff status, living for the moment, but boy was it fun!!!  I am taking all the memories, and him with me, and I know he’s smiling, and so proud of me.

I am going to be focusing on my health, my body, and my mind/soul. I need to keep my focus on myself, so I can finally enjoy my new freedom. I was married/living with a man since I was 19, I was 47 when I was widowed. I knew I needed to work on myself seriously since I was young, family issues and #metoo #me3 #me4, plus an absent father, makes for quite a mental “soup”. I thought sex WAS love, until well after I met Don, and he taught me the difference. Both my ex-husband, and Don were situations where I was in dire need. Ex, bad bad decision, so many red flags, even his favorite psychic on Santa Monica Blv, she made  my ex leave, then told me “he’s not for you This will end badly, leave now” Didn’t listen, but she was right on point. Sometimes the message is screamed in our faces, and our own needs/desires cause us to “not listen to our gut”.  Now Don was hanging around the bar my ex and I hung at, being helpful because yet again we had no car. The night before I left, My ex wanted me to go home, and I was too scared to go, he put me over his 6ft4 240 shoulders, and carried me to circle K, kicking and screaming, literally, he says “oh shes just drunk, ignore her.” They did, not one person even looked at me. We get home, and the fight is on and very bad, I was over it, he put a sawed-off shotgun to the back of my head, and I prayed, “please kill me, I cannot do this one more day” He pulls the trigger, it’s unloaded. The next day, back at the same bar, I see the look, ex goes to the bathroom, and I look at our friend, and say, “I’m leaving” he says “you can’t”. I grab the 2 cue sticks, no money no id no nothing because I was basically a hostage in my own home. I called Don’s pager w/ #911, he called immediately to a payphone 2 blocks down, was there in 4 minutes, and I never left! He was my knight in a red Oldsmobile 98! Don, my love, I will always have you in my heart, your lessons, I finally got, a few years too late, but I heard you, and now I am that confident, capable woman you always knew I was! Baby, lets #THRIVE, Guess I’m solo Toad, until my “next Toad” Epic adventures!!!

 

Advertisements

Blessings

Hi there, I  never thought I would get “here”, meaning my present state. “Here” is not grieving so painfully I can barely breathe, “here” is me, almost healthy, ready to reclaim my life. “Here” is mentally healthier than I’ve ever been.”Here” is me ready to leave our last home, without being evicted, without debt, except utilities, and ready! “Here is Erin being present, accepting her self fully, mistakes and all.” “Here I am, doing this alone, and kicking ass!  I never thought I’d be “here” ever, rational, sane, open, happy, willing to take full responsibility for myself, without begrudging it. I have learned so much on this journey, that I never would have been able to appreciate before. I never really “saw” me “here” but I’m so glad I am! Lessons, don’t just take anything laying down, face it full on with rationality, and honesty, and you’re already winning.  Attitude of gratitude, Ask, Believe, Recieve!!! What you put out you get back!!! You too will be standing where I am now, 3 1/2 years later, feeling equally blessed. #THRIVE

 

My amazing psychologist!

So during this grief journey, the one upside to poverty is medical. I see a psychiatrist, psychologist, and my primary care Dr.  I’m a manic depressant, this is the first time I’ve ever been stable. I knew all my life, that I would need to do some serious work on myself, at some point, well loss took care of that, check. I have gone for over a year, maybe even 1.5 years now, I’ve gotten through most of the grief from losing Don, and now am working on my own deep fears, insecurities, and lessons I may not have learned in my unconventional life. I can say its amazingly rewarding, I am so excited to share my met goals, healing lessons, I’ll write stuff down I want to ask him.  He’s really chill, mellow surfer type/preppy, but very invested in my healing, he does listen to everything I say. I, in turn, listen to him, intently, it’s working because we are both invested, and I am working very hard, on myself. I did touch the surface of love language because every relationship has been based on sex first. I didn’t even know the difference between sex, and love until my 30’s.  As I mentioned I might need work, my hands went up on my chest, face, and I was almost hiding, so yea this might be hard, but I’m ready to live, and love healthy! Can I get a “co-dependent” anyone???  I will write about a lot more.

Thanks for reading!!

What got me out of bed.

I had completely surrendered to my grief, my guilt, the what ifs, I did know that I had to be present in it, or I’d stuff it away somewhere, only to be hit out of the blue. I have always collected boxes, and what do you do with them, hide stuff, conceal stuff etc. I knew even as raw as I was I had to somehow will myself out of bed. I step outside, to see a lady 9 months pregnant, on the phone saying “Well maybe its cuz I’m 9 months pregnant and alone!” super Erin to the rescue, what spike, someone needs me spike….? We had a lot in common I loved her immediately.  I was in a grief group at a church, they said: “try something new, say yes, to something you normally wouldn’t”.  I run into them both at the grocery store, he’s a chef and invites me to a pastrami, chef style. I go, and the sandwich is a toasted bagel, cream cheese, fresh arugula, pastrami, amazing!! So we all mesh, next thing the baby is born, and when I met him, he looked right into my soul! I knew they were both first-time parents, and I a skilled nanny, so I helped them raise the baby until he was over 2, he’s thriving! The point is saying YES, yes to life, yes to new experiences, you never know what a sandwich can turn into.

breif life interuption

Ok so I’m navigating this grief journey, barely getting social, finding comfort in grief groups, really happy in my land of no. “No sex, no masturbation, no interest”, and out of nowhere a chat w/ a high school friend got flirty. We shortly cooled it off. Well, I write my first blog edition, asked him to proofread it, and he replies, great, just don’t include my name, or tag me in any future posts. I freak thinking I had mentioned his name, reread it, its fine, but WTF is that coming from? I’m very private, and this infuriated me. So I preceded to dress him down, 1 this is a private blog, that the genpop on our FAMILY facebook won’t see it. 2. I have never mentioned your name ever, I wouldn’t do that. 3 you don’t really know me at all. 4. Dont flatter yourself. So when I stopped spitting fire, I asked him wtf? he said, “the next blog was about what got you off the couch”. Oh, I so lost it, I told him “I can’t EVEN with you right now” then I said I’ll show you what got me out of bed, his name is Jack, and he’s almost 3! This was 2 years before we ever chatted.  How funny is that tho, ego boys, baaad thing, and they do not last long around me Queen Ego shredder herself! But seriously, that explanation triggered the fuck out of me, and I explained THATS why I’m upset! If I didn’t laugh I’d cry

 

 

Death makes people do wierd shit.

Hi, I’m Erin Miley, a widow, and so much more. My life has always been an adventure, from caravaning across the country at 4 to surviving the loss of my spouse, and everything in between. I mean everything, I’m really open, I share from my heart, and I have learned some very humbling life lessons. I’m a helper, healer, giver, carer, I genuinely love people. It wasn’t always that way.

I grew up really angry, and I did pretty much raise myself. It was the fire in my belly, to motivate Me, and that worked pretty well, until I met Don, My late husband. He spent a few years chipping away my walls, breaking me all the way down, We loved very deeply.  My first attempt at “the real world” was Real Estate, not conducive to a raw hippie girl, hard chapter, we’ll explore later.  Don had alot of health problems, and we’d go into “Donnie mode” all him all the time, I was happy too, I woudn’t have it any other way, see he was as stubborn as I was, and wouldn’t goto a rest home, ever never ever, “You got this right, Erin, show them your notebooks, tell them how you did it last time” I knew his healing would stagnate, if he wasn’t under my tlc, We were co dependant as a mofo.  When he passed, my world crashed, My identity didn’t exist, I went from wife to widow in 17 hours. I was so exhausted from taking care of him, I just “took to my bed”.  It’s so much more glamorous in old novels. I was in bed over a year, drowning my sorrows in vodka and raspberry lemonade, and a disgusting amount of television. Needless to say, I only drink hard liquor out, and this girl never goes out LOL, changing that! What got me out of bed, is also something very special, next addition to my blog folks…Comming soon to a fb near you!